rooting for the anti-hero
“Did you hear my convert narcissism I disguised as altruism” -Taylor Swift
When I think of a narcissist I think of an arrogant, attention-seeking person with a lack of empathy for others. I think grandiosity. Those type of people are considered overt narcissists. Convert (vulnerable) narcissists on the other hand display fewer outward symptoms of narcissism, making them harder to identify than overt narcissists. Nevertheless, they still have a strong desire for attention and admiration from others.
Those with overt narcissism tend to have low levels of self-esteem which leads to projection, defensiveness, feelings of insecurity and self-consciousness. Outwardly, they are introverts, but inwardly they still have an inflated sense of self and lack of empathy for others. Covert narcissists are not afraid to play victim because by doing so, they make people feel bad for them. Their vulnerability, high sensitivity, and low self-esteem results in the frequent need to seek validation from others. Due to their fragile sense of self, covert narcissists are more likely to internalize criticism. They are a mirror ball that shatters the moment they receive unfriendly feedback.
Altruism is the principle/practice of caring for others. Altruists put other’s interests ahead of their own. They are seen as the friendly, sunshine, genuinely nice type of people. How is covert narcissism related to altruism? The strong desire for positive or admirable recognition can propel a covert narcissist to appear altruistic in public.
In a social setting, a convert narcissist may excessively compliment other’s appearances not because they are nice, but because they expect a compliment back. They also intentionally put themselves down in front of others in order to boost their self-esteem. For example, they might say something such as “I’m so dumb” or “I’m so unlovable” just for someone to say, “Omg you're so smart!” “You're not unlovable! You're the best person I know!” They use subtle manipulation techniques to receive validation and attention from others.
Some covert narcissists curate this “selfless sweet caregiver” image of them in order to combat their inner sense of worthlessness. They go out of their way to say nice things and do good deeds for others. However, they are only doing this to be seen a certain way. For people the praise them. “Omg you're so sweet I love you so much”. They do good deeds not because they are altruist, but because they want to paint an insincere message that they are caring and generous, when in reality they could not care less about the feelings of others.
Covert narcissists are blinded by their obsession with how others view them. Even though they only care about their own interests, they might display immense delight when other people talk about their careers, interests, and problems. Why? So, they can build solid relationships with people and later manipulate/ control them. Having control over people is what a covert narcissist desires the most. They often “love bomb” or over flatter people. Think about that person who blew up your Instagram comments after one online interaction. You don’t even know this person, and yet they are so nice to you, making you immediately drawn to them. Covert narcissists do this to get people under their spell. To make people think that they are “the sweetest person ever”. When in reality, they want to turn their friends into a personal validation ATM machine. They want their friends to be minions. They want power, control, praise. They will make harsh and offensive jokes about their friends and manipulate others into thinking that they can’t take a joke. They get their trill from gaslighting and manipulating others. It’s almost as if they get serotonin from toying with others.
The song “Anti Hero” is about self-loathing and acknowledging how you can push relationships away because of your mental health. A convert narcissist’s self of low self-esteem will prompt them to act like altruists in public in order to receive compliments, create positive outward perceptions, and to have people “under their spell”.